


Stop Crying Your Heart Out

by CC99trialanderrorgirl



Series: Oasis Song Fics [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Character Study, Clothing, Gen, Getting Dressed, Kylo Ren's Morning Routine, Kylo Res Character Study, Oasis, Song Lyrics, Song fic, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 10:04:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13269153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CC99trialanderrorgirl/pseuds/CC99trialanderrorgirl
Summary: Character Study Piece of Kylo getting dressed, slowly and methodically putting each piece of his identity on, and what he's thinking about as he goes about his morning routine, overlaid with the lines of the song "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis.





	Stop Crying Your Heart Out

_(Hold up)_

He closes his eyes and splashes water on his pale face.

                                                                                                                                           

  _(Hold on)_

He looks up, drying his skin on the towel in his hands.

  
_(Don't be scared)_

 

Meeting his own eyes in the mirror, he stares his reflection down. Shakes himself once and hardens his gaze.

  
_(You'll never change what's been and gone)_

 

His mind flashes back to a high bridge, no longer in existence, and a moment of desperation, utter panic. Indecision. Sometimes he still wonders if he made the right call. He shakes himself, droplets flying from the dampened edges of his hair to blur the face staring back at him in the mirror.

 

_(May your smile, may your smile)_

 

He tries a smile, but frowns at the way it pulls at the scar bisecting his cheek.

_(Shine on, shine on)_

Drawing himself up, he strides out of the ‘fresher toward his closet in his room on the Star Destroyer. He hates it – how impersonal and cold everything on this ship is.

  
_(Don't be scared, don't be scared)_

In front of the viewport, he stops and gazes out at the stars. Pinpricks of light and life, blurred and yet so bright. He stares at a nebula as they pass by, lost in loneliness, remembering a life he used to have

  
_(Your destiny may keep you warm)_

 

Closing his eyes, he shakes himself. He has a destiny to fulfill. He doesn’t need anyone or anything getting in the way of his ascent to greatness. He has no doubts. No doubt.  


_('Cause all of the stars)_

 

He turns his back to the stars, and continues the short walk to his closet.

_(Are fading away)_

Standing in front of the wardrobe, he carefully removes the complicated robes that hang inside. Lovingly, he runs one hand over the rough cowl.

_(Just try not to worry)_

This is who he _is_. He’s sure. And if he had needed a reminder, the heavy black fabric is a tangible signifier. He takes off his jersey and sleep pants, ready to don his persona.

 

_(You'll see them some day)_

As he pulls the black shirt over his head and does up the fastenings on the black leggings, he’s reminded of a time when someone else once did this for him. Her soft hands, coaxing him into the clothes that were too scratchy, too much. She knew how much he didn’t want to wear them, he _felt_ her sympathy. “I know,” she had said. “I don’t want to either. But we’ll do it together, okay?” He had nodded then. He remembers that day, how even though the material distracted him with a low level discomfort, even though it was an unpleasant afternoon…she’d made him feel less alone. How she _had_ made it better.

 

_(Take what you need)_

He grabs at the heavy black robe, fingers closing around it almost violently. He forces the memories away, concentrates on his breathing, on the cold, sterile feel of the room he stands in. The present, the here and now, _reality._ It is this, here. It is not _then._

 

_(And be on your way)_

He threads the suspenders through the loops on his pants, securing them.

 

_(And stop crying your heart out)_

He doesn’t stop to notice the few silent tears that slip down his cheeks.

 

_(Get up, get up)_

He shakes himself, bouncing on his toes, trying to motivate himself, trying to wake up.

 

_(Come on, come on)_

 

 _Come on_ , he thinks. _You can do this._

_(Why you scared? I'm not scared)_

He jogs in place for a moment, shaking out his limbs. He can do this. He _can._

 

_(You'll never change)_

He _has_ to.

 

_(What's been and gone)_

He’d made his choice a long time ago. Even before he ignited his lightsaber on that cold, high bridge, he’d known. He’d always known.

 

_('Cause all of the stars)_

He’d always know that in the end, it would be him and him alone.

 

_(Have faded away)_

Since the day when he was three and his mother looked at him funny after he’d thrown his soup across the room for being too salty and too hot. He’d known then. That this would be his destiny.

_(Just try not to worry)_

 

He shrugs into the long black robe, and it settles on his shoulders, heavy and reassuring.

 

_(You'll see them some day)_

He may be flawed now, his potential not yet fully realized, his old self not yet entirely eradicated. But someday, he knows, it will all make sense. He will be certain then.

_(Take what you need)_

In that moment, clarity will finally come, and he will _know._

 

_(And be on your way)_

He just has to keep going for now.

_(And stop crying your heart out)_

He swipes a hand across his face, confused when it comes away wet.

_('Cause all of the stars)_

He sinks into the heavy, rough material of the robe, luxuriates in the weight of it on his shoulders, pulling him down.

 

_(Are fading away)_

He removes the belt from the little shelf in the closet and rolls it out.

 

_(Just try not to worry)_

 

He winds it around himself, guiding it through the unseen loops in his tunic.

_(You'll see them some day)_

He feels the phantom hands of memory guiding his fingers. Sometimes, he still misses them. He pushes the thought away, quashing it violently inside his mind.

 

_(Just take what you need)_

He pulls the thick brocade of the belt through the fastener, and secures it in its clasp at the front of his body.

 

_(And be on your way)_

He turns from the wardrobe, quick and catlike. He resolutely doesn’t give the viewport a single glance as he passes on the way to the door.

_(And stop crying your heart out)_

He will deny it if asked, but he knows he’s still quietly crying as he sits down to pull on a boot.

 

_(We're all of us stars)_

He draws it over his shins, all the way up his calves, to where it stops just below his left knee.

 

_(We're fading away)_

 

He does up the heavy ties and clasps, sealing his foot into the shoe. It’s heavy and cumbersome, but he likes the way it makes his footfalls resound through the corridors.

 

_(Just try not to worry)_

 

He repeats the process with his right boot, smiling wanly when the last clasp is done up.

 

_(You'll see us some day)_

He stands, with some difficulty.

 

_(Just take what you need)_

 

He sways on his feet for a moment before he finds his new center of gravity. It’s always different with the clothes on than it is when he’s just him, alone in his rooms, barefaced and unafraid.

_(And be on your way)_

 

He grasps the helmet in his bare hands, and resolutely seals the mask over his face. He is almost ready.

_(And stop crying your heart out)_

 

He pulls on one thick black glove, and takes a deep breath.

 

_(Stop crying your heart out)_

 

He exhales, and it sounds menacing, threatening. Good. He pulls on the other glove and uses that hand to clip his handmade lightsaber to his belt. Its weight is reassuring against his hip.

 

_(Stop crying your heart out)_

 

Reaching out, he opens the door and steps into the hall.

 

_(Stop crying your heart out)_

 

Behind the mask, his eyes are still wet with held-back tears. He doesn’t cry in the mask. Even though no one can see him, it still feels like people will _know._ He scowls instead, and listens as his footfalls echo down the corridor, loud and assertive and dangerous and brave.

 

Powerful.

 

Assured.

_Just like him._

**Author's Note:**

> * If "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" isn't a Kylo Ren song, then I don't know what is.
> 
> * Part 2 coming soon, featuring Hux getting ready in his quarters!


End file.
